Life lately

I was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis type 1 when I was 15. This diagnosis comes after concern with the tumours growing on my skin.

I was told by the doctors that no matter how much surgery we do to remove them, they would grow back. This affected my self-confidence greatly and I always made sure to dress in fully covered clothing. My choice of clothing was very dull and it showed in my social life.

When I was 19 I started changing a bit. Though I was fully covered I always had wild hair colours. I started being more outgoing. I wasn’t fully happy but it was a good start.

In 2021 my life changed. At this point, I had been renting an apartment. Not the fanciest place but it was away from my toxic family. I was happy to be away from them. I didn’t know my happiness would be short-lived.

Due to the diagnosis, I started losing mobility in my body. I had to move back with my family, unfortunately. I thought I’d be back temporarily but it’s 2023 and I’m still here. I’m still in and out of the hospital. I’m still fighting to get my life back.
I’ve recently gained mobility back in my upper limbs but I’m still dependent on a lot of things.

This is already a difficult journey but being back with my family makes it worse. I feel small, unwanted and invalidated. The environment is more poisonous than it was when I left. I had to take a break from blogging because I was so broken. Honestly, I still am.

I’m confused about a lot of things. The one thing I’m most frustrated about is not this sudden disability but that I’m here with my family and everything in me wants to leave but I can’t.

I’m certainly grateful that they are assisting me in this season but there’s so much toxic energy surrounding this place that I feel trapped and alone in a house full of people.

I’m going to be very honest and sorry if this sounds bad but I’m now more sure than ever that I do not want my family in my life. A part of me feels I owe them for the little good they’ve done and I will play the role I need to play to pay them back but I don’t think I owe them a relationship. The damage is too much. Am I being selfish?

Though I’ve started the physical healing journey I’m hesitant to start an emotional healing journey. How do you heal in the same place you got sick? How do you forgive people that continue to hurt you? I’ve started listening to a few mental health podcasts. Honestly, I’m struggling internally more than I am physically.

There’s a voice in my head that tells me to pray for my future and pray that God starts opening doors for me. I thought it was a bit premature but I’m going to listen to it. Maybe God is telling me to get ready...